The Torchwood Three Rule Book
by Anduria Trianys
Summary: Just what the title says. Jack and Ianto examine the Torchwood Three Rule Book. Companion/prequel piece to 'A Surprise for Ianto's Birthday'. Jack/Ianto, hints of Owen/Tosh.


The Torchwood Three Rule Book

**The**** Torchwood Three Rule Book**

"Just to set the record straight before you look at this," said Jack, "let it be said that I didn't write all of these. I've put the ones that I didn't write in italics."

_**Don't mess with the Rift.**_

"Told you that's the first thing you learn at Torchwood," said Jack smugly. "As you see here, it's the first thing that's written in the Rule Book."

"Hey, it wasn't my fault. I wasn't the one who opened the damn thing!"

**No loud noises around the pterodactyl.**

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "Have you looked around where we work, Jack?" he asked. "Loud noises are kind of unavoidable sometimes."

"I know," said Jack. "I guess what I meant was 'Don't go and scream in the pterodactyl's ear.' That would just be asking for trouble, if you ask me."

**Don't spray barbecue sauce on anything said pterodactyl can't eat. **

"I don't think Tosh'll ever let us forget the time it tried to eat –"

"Yes, and I don't think Owen will let us forget it either," interrupted Jack. Since they'd been going out, Tosh had become very protective of Owen…and the autopsy bay…and his medical equipment as well. It was scary.

**Only Ianto is allowed in the kitchen.**

"I think everyone's worked that one out for themselves now."

"No, I swear I saw Owen fiddling with the coffee machine the other day," said Jack and fought the urge to laugh as Ianto blinked several times before he started to shake uncontrollably. "Hey, hey, calm down, I was only joking," he said hastily.

**Shagging the boss is optional, but highly recommended.**

Ianto frowned. "I think I'll have to italicise that one, Jack."

"Why?" asked Jack. "I wrote it," he added, pouting slightly.

"Yeah, but only AFTER I_ recommended_ that you write it."

Jack sighed. "Point, I guess."

_**Don't steal Retcon tablets for personal use.**_

"You tell Gwen that one? Because I know she stole some Retcon tablets."

"I know." But Jack said nothing more; the hardness in his eyes was enough.

**Just because Jack can't die that DOESN'T mean you can shoot him at will.**

"Oh, I remember Owen's face when he read that," said Jack fondly. "He looked as though I'd just kicked his favourite puppy."

"Owen has a 'you just kicked my puppy' look?" exclaimed Ianto. "Wow; Tosh must've really done a number on him. She's turned him really sweet at times."

Jack shivered. "Don't ever use that word to describe Owen again," he said. "I don't know why, but there's something seriously wrong with that whole image." He tried to dispel the picture he suddenly had of their medic skipping through the countryside surrounded by flowers and cute fluffy bunny rabbits.

**Having**** sex in the Hub is perfectly acceptable.**

Ianto looked revolted. "Jack, that's gross," he said. "That's saying that you could have sex in the kitchen if you wanted to. Or…or maybe even up against the…no, no one would do that, right? Would they…Jack, they wouldn't, would they?"

He was starting to get hysterical again, so Jack grabbed him and kissed him to distract him. Really, the man was so over-protective of that coffee-machine. He made a mental note to edit that rule to include the clause 'But not around any of Ianto's stuff.'

**Just ****don't remember to turn off the CCTV cameras. Er, wait…no, do remember to turn the CCTV cameras off. Yeah, that's it. **

"Jack, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you're telling me something." When Jack squeaked, he sighed. "How much footage do I have to delete?"

**You don't have to be bisexual – or try-sexual – to work here, but it helps.**

"Try-sexual? What the hell does that mean?"

"It's me, Ianto. I'm try-sexual. I try anything that's sexual."

"What, so you'd shag an alien?"

"Ianto," laughed Jack. "I _have _shagged aliens. Mmm…tentacles are good."

The Welshman looked faintly nauseated. "I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Owen's right," he stammered. "You are a sick man."

Jack snickered. "Hey come on; if you're hard and horny enough, you'd do it."

"So, what you said when Gwen asked if you'd eaten alien meat wasn't a joke?"

"No, but you should have seen the look on her face!"

"What about when you said your argument with Rhys was 'quite homoerotic'?"

"Hey, I wasn't the only one who thought that, not if that huge bulge in your trousers was anything to go by. Oh yes, Mr. Jones; Captain Jack sees all."

**Calling into work with the excuse 'I'm dead' NEVER works.**

Ianto blinked at that one. "Well…that's one you don't see every day. But, just out of interest, who the hell would think that it would even work?" When Jack raised his eyebrows, he sighed. "Never mind, forget I asked." He wondered if Jack had slipped Retcon into his drink to make him forget that because he'd been so embarrassed.

**Don't mess with the tea-boy**** Ianto.**

"Someone should say that to Owen," quipped the man in question.

"Don't worry; I threatened to Retcon him if he messed with you."

"I thought you'd already done that once," said Ianto, confused.

"I did, but I can do better than that, you know. You try going through puberty when you're a man, but with the bodily functions of a woman. Yes, I can do that too, Ianto."

"You're disgusting." But he couldn't hide his smile.

Jack laughed. "Someone's gotta be."

_**Don't hide Cyberme**__**n or Daleks or anything else that could wipe out the world in the basement of the Hub, or in any other part of the Hub.**_

"It wasn't my idea to write that," said Jack quickly. "Owen put it in. Besides, it seemed obvious."

"I know," said Ianto. But he couldn't stop a tear running down his cheek.

"Hey, come here," said Jack gently as he wrapped him in a big cuddle and kissed the top of his head. "I know you still miss her, but…there was nothing I could do."

**Don't mess with Tosh's computers.**

Jack grimaced when Ianto read that. "That girl is scary when someone messes with her computers. I don't just mean when Owen messed up her translation programme. I messed something up once and I swear my 'mini-Captain's' not been the same since."

_**Don't**__** bring partners to Torchwood, or, if you do, Retcon them instantly.**_

"Oh, because that worked SO well with Rhys, didn't it, Jack?"

"Hey," said Jack sternly. "There's NOTHING between me and Gwen, okay?"

Ianto sighed. "I'm sorry, it's just –"

"I know, darling, I know she drives you mad sometimes, even though you never show it, but I'm not interested in her that way. Yes, I love her, but not how I love you. I love her in the same way that I love Owen and Tosh. She's like…I don't know, she's like the daughter I never had."

**Don't sneak up on Owen when he's doing autopsies.**

Jack shuddered. "Owen killing me once was bad enough. I wasn't exactly thrilled when he did it again with a scalpel through the chest. At least this time it was accidental."

**Do****n't break Ianto's stopwatch, grab a new one and pass it off as the old one.**

"Dammit!" yelled Jack. He'd forgotten he'd written that in there.

Ianto laughed. "Jack," he said. "Why do you think you had Tesco's Own for a month? Really, I'm cute and sweet at times, but I'm not stupid."

"Couldn't you have just said something then?"

"No, because I didn't realise it at the time, given what you were doing to me at that point. Besides, when I did realise, I really wanted to make you suffer for it."

**Don't lose Jack's white handkerchief. **

"Why do you love that handkerchief?" asked Ianto. "I've never seen you without it."

"Why do you always carry a stopwatch around with you?" retorted Jack.

"Well, like I said; there are lots of things you can do with a stopwatch."

Jack smiled. "Well…there's your answer then."

**Jack – ****make 100 sure you NEVER EVER find yourself convinced to agree to Owen's propositions of an end-of-the-world orgy. It's a bad idea.**

Ianto looked for the next page and then stared at him. "That's it?"

"Erm, yeah," said Jack. He started as Ianto snatched the book. "Ianto, what –"

"You forgot one," said Ianto abruptly as he shoved it back into Jack's hands and stormed off. Jack frowned and then looked down at the page – and groaned loudly.

_**DON'T RUN OFF WITH THE DOCTOR. **_

Yep, he was going to have to make it up to Ianto, big time.


End file.
